My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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