Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
