do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
