I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
