So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
