WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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