i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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