I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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