If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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