But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
