the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
