Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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