Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Randomize
