My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
