How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
