My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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