I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Drunk is not a location!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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