I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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