My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
