I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
