Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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