I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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