i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Two words: blizzard sex
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
