why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
