I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
