Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
