Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
