Where did you get a picture of my penis
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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