Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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