I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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