just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
