i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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