bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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