i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
