evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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