That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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