she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
