she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
