I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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