Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
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The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
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Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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