Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
