R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
