mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
