Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
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I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
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How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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