Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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