you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
