Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
