My first STD was from a foam party
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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