you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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