you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
