the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
