After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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