WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
