May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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