you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
