If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
