Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
