he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
